Lance Berkman’s resurgence has led to a new endorsement for the slimmed down slugger as Subway announced that Mr. Berkman will be serving as a spokesperson for the fast food restaurant.
“We’re really excited,” said Subway V.P. of Marketing Tom Butler. “We get to trade a spokesman who simply went from morbidly obese to normal for a spokesman who went from morbidly obese to normal and can hit a fastball.”
Berkman’s path to good health actually mirrors Fogel’s, with the exception that Berkman has always eaten at Subway restaurants. The difference is that Berkman cut down to 18 inches of sandwich per meal from 30 inches. He also started walking to the restaurant from the parking lot rather than making his driver go in and pick up the sandwiches for him.
“Really, that was him all those days?” asked Subway manager Nicolas Styles. “I assumed that guy was ordering for a group of school children or something. Who can eat that much in one sitting by himself? He’s in the wrong sport; he needs to head to Coney Island on the 4th of July to find his true calling.”
Berkman is hoping his new commitment to fitness will help him land one more big major league contract.
“If I can get one more big contract, then I can really let myself go,” Berkman said. “I’m going to re-earn that Fat Elvis nickname and make Carlos Lee look like David Eckstein. The Cubs might need a first baseman next year, right?”
Written by Giles Tellum. Photoshop by Mike Gonzalez