St. Louis Cardinals

“The U.S. Defense Department contractor that has secretly been creating all my replacement parts and updated hitting software was having some slight issues with the hydraulic valves in the replacement wrist,” Pujols said. “Had everything gone according to plan, I would have been back much sooner so I apologize to all Cardinals fans and fans of teams hoping to sign me as a free agent next season. I’m looking at you Cubs. Seriously, call me and offer me $156 million over 10 years.”

Early Thursday morning, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was found asleep at the wheel by Jupiter, Fla., police. The policeman smelled alcohol and ordered the skipper of the reigning World Series champs to complete a field sobriety test. Always the strategist, La Russa tried to get out of the jam by performing two pitching changes.

JULY 15, PITTSBURGH PIRATES @ CHICAGO CUBS, WRIGLEY FIELD Things went so bad for the Pirates that even Jerry Hairston Jr. contributed to the onslaught with a grand slam (albeit off the foul pole), and then got into a heated, bench-clearing exchange with Pirate reliever Jose Mesa after his next at-bat. Of course, 39,000 suburban frat guys home for the summer left happy after the Cubs' 11-1 win, many of them singing the world’s most annoying tune. I’d appreciate the song much more if the lyrics "Go Cubs go! Go Cubs go!" were a command relating to the franchise’s geographic location. Chicagoans: There’s only room for one playoff team in this town, and we all know who it is in 2005.

"Me? I've already got my ring," said Cardinals superstar first baseman Albert Pujols. "This one's just to rile up those morons on the North Side of Chicago."

“Obviously Chris didn’t know Napoli was going to be the hero of the game a couple innings later," said Yadier Molina. "Or he would have kept his mouth shut.”

Following a Game 5 riddled with mistakes and miscommunication, the Cardinals will abandon the traditional bullpen phone and employ texts instead.

One viewer lucky enough to watch Thursday night's insanely entertaining World Series Game 6 on mute -- devoid of McCarver and Buck -- believed he had just witnessed the greatest sporting event of all time.