Cardinals infielder Ryan Theriot will be wearing a bullseye on his chest to aid fans and opponents looking to hurl any variety of objects at him in his first game at Wrigley since this off-season when the former Cub said he was now finally on the “right side” of the Cubs-Cards rivalry.

“Yeah, I know I pissed off my former teammates with my comments this winter,” said Theriot. “But I’ve seen the way those guys are pitching so they’ll need a little help if they expect to successfully bean me.”

Theriot’s return also coincidences with the debut of $3 beer night in the bleachers. That, coupled with beautiful weather are sure to have fans riled up for Theriot’s return.

“Those slack-jawed cretins in the bleachers are nasty and filled with hate,” said Theriot. “But most of them can’t throw well at all, especially at a guy playing middle infield. Maybe wearing this massive bullseye across my chest will give those pasty losers the illusion of actually having a chance to hit me with whatever they can hurl my way.”

Image by Kurt Evans