Chicago

The wait is over Bulls fans. After years of being dogged by health issues, a reinvigorated Derrick Rose has been given a 100 percent clean bill of advertising health.

“Prior and Wood are great Chicago sports ambassadors and most importantly they knew how to milk phantom injuries for two to three years at a time while padding their bank accounts,” said Reggie Rose. “We are hoping to establish a similar plan for Derrick to assure that he can attend his kids' PTO meetings relatively pain free when they get older.”

Following multiple crushing losses, head coach Marc Trestman has emphatically cited the Bears great practices as his primary excuse during post-game press conferences.

In another stroke of bad luck for the Bears, the Twitter troll was later revealed to be a Golden Gloves boxer, who will most likely mop the floor with Marshall should the two ever actually match up.

Gamers everywhere are rejoicing after a new glitch was recently uncovered in Madden 15 that enables the Bears to finally beat the Packers by simply entering a few cheat codes and mid-season coaching changes.

A Chicagoland medical team has recently begun to perform an autopsy on the 2014 Chicago Bears, hoping to find an answer why the once-promising team suddenly rolled over and died at the midway point of the season.

"It was great Jay wanted to help out but he's not exactly the most cheery guy on the planet," said Weiss Memorial Hospital director Phil Stevens. "His inability to relate to patients was really tough to overcome."