Chicago

The Wrigley Field Seagulls share their views on Jim Hendry, the Cubs' lineup, cotton candy and more.

“We’re really excited,” said Subway V.P. of Marketing Tom Butler. “We get to trade a spokesman who simply went from morbidly obese to normal for a spokesman who went from morbidly obese to normal and can hit a fastball.”

After Carlos Zambrano ranted to the media that the Chicago Cubs are playing "like a Triple-A team," Minor League clubs across the nation condemned the statement, saying that most of them were far superior to the maligned Chicago franchise.

Cubs Scouting Director Tim Wilken has been known to go off the board in recent MLB drafts, picking guys like Hayden Simpson and Tyler Colvin hundreds of spots ahead of where they were projected to go. He pulled another wild card out of the hat on Tuesday in the second round, reaching for Chris Farley look-alike Daniel Vogelbach, who at 5’11” tips the scales at 280 lbs.

June has been a cruel month for the Cubs thus far, with the team yet to win a game after a series of gut-wrenching losses to rivals Houston, St. Louis and Cincinnati, and according to team officials, fans shouldn't expect a victory until sometime "around mid-month."

The stress of managing the “Lovable Losers” appears to have already taken a toll on the Cubs skipper. After his second consecutive sleepless night on Sunday, Quade arose Monday morning in Cincinnati to an unusual sight – tufts of hair sprouting from his head, shoulders and back.

“We went with Parrot because he won’t scare kids away, like Captain Jolly possibly might,” said the team's head of marketing.