The Pirates, who haven’t had a winning record or any enthusiasm since 1992, have announced they will insert team mascot Pirate Parrot in their lineup. Bucs Chief Marketing Officer Jeff DePaolo admits the move is intended solely to draw fans into Pittsburgh’s PNC Park.

“We went with Parrot because he won’t scare kids away, with their parents in tow, like Captain Jolly possibly might,” DePaolo said. He added that Pirate Pierogi was actually the best hitter of the team’s three mascots during recent tryouts, but that Pierogi was fired a year ago for comments critical about the Pirates posted to his Facebook page, and is not qualified for rehire.

The Pirates are averaging 20,785 fans through 26 home games. The Marlins are the only NL team averaging fewer fans (17,114). Florida reportedly had considered inserting its mascot, Billy Marlin, in its lineup until the team learned that Billy Marlin is susceptible to the hook.

To make room for Pirate Parrot on the roster, Pittsburgh has sent shortstop Ronny Cedeno back to the Cubs.

By Rob C. Christiansen