Chicago

"The Bears finally stepped up and showed me some of the respect I deserve," said Forte. "Now it's time for them to step up and show me all of the respect I deserve by getting rid of every other running back on our roster."

"It's great to finally get this distraction behind us," said Bill Pinner, a former car salesman who lost his job in 2009. "I'm sure Matt will be as concerned about the job situation for the rest of us as we were for him."

Bears running back Matt Forte was hoping for a new contract today. Instead, he received a 3-inch violin replica, the smallest such instrument of its kind in the world.

"Back before I got him fired, Mike used to harp on my singing style, so I changed it up," said Cutler of the Bears' former offensive coordinator. "Clearly, the changes didn't improve my performance and that's all on Mike."

Lost in the headlines saying Jay Cutler butchered the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley Saturday afternoon, was that injuries suffered during the hit Cutler took when throwing out the game's first pitch will force him to miss the entire 2012 season.

“We expect this new system of ADT cameras and motion-sensors to notify players when an opponent breeches our territory,” said team GM Stan Bowman. “And if nobody on the ice does anything about it, a soothing ADT operator will come over the loudspeakers, calm everybody down and alert the proper authorities.”

"He was kinda sad when we talked," said Bulls teammate Luol Deng. "But then he went into the other room for a few minutes and came back with a huge smile and a half-eaten bag of Funyuns. He also smelled like a skunk."