Chicago

"Well obviously I'm going to use my timeouts like they're going out of style," said Smith. "Because they are. Just the other day [New England Patriots coach] Bill Belichick said he thought timeouts were a thing of the past ... that any good team could function without them. I better use mine up before the league takes them away!"

The bad luck continues for Chris Volstad. After the Reds pushed the struggling righty's winless streak to 24 this weekend, he had time to reflect on all the other things in his life that he also not winning at since the streak started on July 17, 2011.

Bears fan Matt Hunter quickly became enamored with quarterback Matt Blanchard after witnessing the undrafted rookie run a two-minute drill to near perfection.

Brian Urlacher split with girlfriend Jenny McCarthy just days after undergoing knee surgery. Both parties indicated that the decision was mutual, but insiders say McCarthy's diagnosis of Urlacher's injury as “knee sniffles” may have been the final straw.

“Even though I always pull him for defensive purposes in the eighth inning, I appreciate Alfonso catching everything hit to him,” skipper Dale Sveum said. "We're excited to have him on our roster until he's well into his mid-40s."

Bears players were at first excited to hear that Jay Cutler would be reading passages of his new book at a team meeting. This excitement quickly turned to horror when Cutler read snippets of his erotic novel debut -- “Fifty Shades of Jay” -- the story of a passionate love affair with the QB, written from the perspective of a recent female college graduate.

“I’m not going to pay 12 bucks a ticket and $3.50 for a beer just to watch some double-A nobodies!” said Iowan Jud Purdue. “Logan Watkins?! Who is this schlub? I want real triple-A players. And at least a one quadruple-A stud.”