Chicago

Recalling such names as Augie Ojeda, Bobby Hill and Steve Dillard, Epstein said he hoped to fill a position before the start of spring training.

"We had some meetings I guess, but I don't remember much. I was trying to decide what my costume should be. I asked J'Webb Nation on Twitter, but the only idea I liked was that I should go as a Pro Bowl left tackle," Webb said.

"I'm seeing a witch doctor," Johnson reported to the Detroit Free Press on Wednesday. "I've had enough of this. I'm Megatron for God's sake. I'm like the tallest, biggest, fastest freak of nature on the planet, and I'm not catching footballs?! This has to be voodoo."

"This is the happiest day since I started receiving workers compensation in 2006," said 46-year-old Jim Stevens, construction worker and Sox fan. "Now I can use this extra cash to put away three more rounds and have no recollection of yelling at umpires incoherently."

As of now, Kane appears to still be under the impression that he merely will be playing exhibition games at a casino, which he was informed had "free bottle service and a VIP strip club for American-born NHL players only."

"Then we have Samardzija and Wood in the rotation … DeJesus and Sori in the outfield. They had solid years," he said, his eyes brightening with hopelessly misplaced optimism. "Castillo behind the plate. Oh, wow, I haven’t even mentioned the killer V’s: Vitters, Valbuena, Volstad.”

“Did you see Nubie out there after Jay got flattened by Suh?” Tice said, referring to the quick actions of team physician Dr. Gordon Nuber. “While Jay was coughing up a rib and repositioning his spleen, Suh walked over to I presume stomp on Jay’s throwing hand or something. But Nubie moved in between and blocked him off. It was beautiful.”