Chicago

As word leaked out on Monday that Alfonso Soriano might want to stay for the duration of his contract because of planned renovations to Wrigley field, the Cubs announced the cancellation of any such plans.

“While the Cubs are playing on a roof across the street, we can concentrate full time on renovating Wrigley,” Cubs president Tom Ricketts said. “The owners of roofs not hosting a particular Cubs game that day or night can continue to make their money selling rooftop seating and pay the Cubs 17% of their receipts.”

Carlos Marmol proved to be as combustible as the wildfire Lord Tyrion dumped on Stannis last season in “Game of Thrones” (and we shall now refer to Marmol as &%#!@# for the remainder of the season).

"I know you've been saying this for years," said Sveum, referring to you as you sat on your couch cursing the TV. "But maybe it's time we consider someone else in the ninth."

"This team needs to learn that Ducks are weak animals that can be easily dominated," said Quenneville. "I put these games in the locker room so we can gain some confidence heading into the playoffs by blasting animated ducks over and over again."

"It suddenly seems like if you want to be an elite second baseman in this league you need to have a famous rapper repping you," said Barney. "I'm not elite yet, but Ice promised me that with his fire power I'll be making it huge someday soon."

Marc Trestman is known for being an offensive genius from the Canadian Football League with a haircut rivaling LeBron James for best sports haircut, but what few people don't know is that he still hasn't finished the Bears playbook for next season.