As word leaked out on Monday that Alfonso Soriano might want to stay for the duration of his contract because of planned renovations to Wrigley field, the Cubs announced the cancellation of any such plans.

“We feel that, at this time, Alderman Tunney is completely right,” Cubs President Theo Epstein said. “It would be terrible to change Wrigley from its ancient charm to something out of the modern world.”

Epstein said it would be a disgrace to the team and the neighborhood to block any rooftop views with a large Jumbotron scoreboard, or add any conveniences, such as usable washrooms, a modern clubhouse, and sanitary conditions to prepare food for fans.

“If this causes some of our current players to rethink whether they want to remain a part of the ball club, then that’s unfortunate,” Epstein said while using his fingers to create air quotes around the word unfortunate. “I can’t control what our players think and do.”

Epstein also announced plans to move the current Cubs clubhouse to the men’s room in the McDonald’s purchased by the club last year.

John F