Just hours after Robinson Cano fired mega-agent Scott Boras to hire hip-hop mogul Jay-Z as his representation, Cubs second baseman Darwin Barney fired his agent for Robert Van Winkle, better known as ’90s rapper Vanilla Ice.
“It suddenly seems like if you want to be an elite second baseman in this league you need to have a famous rapper repping you,” said Barney. “I’m not elite yet, but Ice promised me that with his fire power I’ll be making it huge someday soon.”
Van Winkle then took over fielding questions from the lone reporter in attendance at the hastily called press conference held at a Pittsburgh-area McDonald’s where the injured Gold Glover is traveling with his team.
“Yo, Darwin rocks the glove like a vandal. He lights up bats like a candle,” said Van Winkle. “I’m gonna keep my composure, but when it’s time to negotiate I’m going to get loose. Theo’s gonna be magnetized by Darwin’s stats when I kick my juice.”
Van Winkle said he hopes Barney’s next contract will pay him “a shit ton more” than the $562,000 he’s currently making.
Added Van Winkle: “Word to your mother.”