Chicago

"We always knew that the team was a few years away from legitimately competing for a playoff spot, so we decided that if we're going to lose anyway, we might as well do it in the most excruciatingly long-winded and anxiety-inducing way possible."

"He's partial to Holmes on Homes and Property Brothers," a source close to the situation claimed. "And don't even get me started on all the episodes of House Hunters and Love It or List It. Wow. That guy has a real problem."

In a move heralded by media experts around the Chicagoland area, the Cubs have announced that they have ended their relationship with the Vine Line, the team's longtime official magazine. Instead, the team will begin to offer yearly subscriptions to a print version of the most unbelievable sports media outlet in the world, The Heckler.

During yesterday’s 1-0 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates yesterday, players for the Cubs were seen acting very fan-like by paying more attention to their phones than playing ball.

"I counted 14 comparisons by Hawk of White Sox first baseman-DH Paul Konerko, including ones to King Leonidas of '300 Spartans,' President Grover Cleveland and Lord Petyr 'Littlefinger' Baelish of 'Game of Thrones."

"That's it," said a visibly frustrated Ricketts. "I'm starting these god-damn renovations myself."

"It's nothing serious," Quenneville said as paramedics streamed past him with Toews on a gurney, clutching at his shoulder.