After an 0-2 start featuring a 10-inning and 16-inning loss to the Pirates, the Cubs announced their intention to lose every game of the season in a as drawn-out, dramatic, and ultimately futile as humanly possible, promising to ensure that each loss goes into extra innings while taking up at least four hours of their fan’s time.

“We always knew that the team was a few years away from legitimately competing for a playoff spot, so we decided that if we’re going to lose anyway, we might as well do it in the most excruciatingly long-winded and anxiety-inducing way possible,” said President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein. “And what better way to do that then to go a whole season thinking you have a chance to come away with the victory only to see your team fall by one measly run in the 11th, 13th, or even 20th inning.”

When asked for comment, starting pitcher Jeff Samardzija, who watched the Cubs lose 1-0 in 10 innings after throwing seven scoreless innings in the season opener, just shook his head and sighed, “Goddamn it.”

Jeff GoodSmith