Chicago

"We're down in the series, so now it's on us to make adjustments," said fourth-year head coach, Thibodeau. "No doubt that Kirk has been solid on defense, but when we have the ball, oh Jesus, not Kirk again."

One major highlight of Wednesday's 100th anniversary celebration of the opening of Wrigley Field was dampened after a massive tax bill was issued on the 400-pound birthday cake replicating the historic ballpark.

The home ballpark of the Cubs, which officially opened on April 23, 1914, had to endure three hours of Chicago Cubs baseball on the 100th anniversary of that event in a game that included, in typical Cubs fashion, a five-run 9th inning and eventual embarrassing loss.

Not to be outdone by the 100 year Wrigley Field anniversary party today, the White Sox have announced their first ever “Cell-Ebration,” a huge bash celebrating U.S. Cellular Field’s 23 years and 5 days birthday tonight.

The Cubs shocked the baseball world today by capping off Wednesday's ceremony honoring the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field's opening by announcing the legendary stadium's impending demolition.

“You probably don’t know this about me, but I really know how to invest money,” said Samardzija. “We’re talking stocks, bonds, various hair care products, a giant pirate flag for my front lawn. Like an old flag from a real pirate ship. That has to cost a lot, right? I can totally turn this thing around."

All around the city of Chicago the police and fire department have been called twice more than usual today for inexplicable accidents. Pedestrians have been running into walls, drivers have missed their turns and run into each other, and numerous people have gotten caught halfway through the door on the "L."