Cubs

Some off-the-field distractions have left fans of the team feeling a little bit frustrated and despondent. Thankfully, a new PR campaign generated by the Cubs brain trust has totally turned any negativity around and generated what many people are calling the happiest, most wonderful, feel-good success story in the history of social media.

“Look, I’ll make a pickoff move sometime this season,” said the obviously perturbed southpaw on ESPN’s Baseball Tonight. “Just because you don’t do something for two years don’t mean anything. I got some cool, elite next-level pickoff moves up my sleeve that I’ve been working on, I’m just waiting for the right time to debut them. But for sure, sometime this year. Probably by June."

"We were unprepared for Sunday's game," Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told reporters. "And that's on us. We don't plan to be caught by surprise again. That's why, until construction is over, we have added portable toilets to the premises, and for the first time have made it acceptable for fans to urinate on the field, so long as it's really an emergency."

After Sunday night's restroom debacle at Wrigley we decided to dig up an old post that provided helpful tips to fans in need of a little relief. Enjoy!

"I've always said I'm a man of the people," said Kenney. "And to prove it, I'm going to allow fans the opportunity to use my 950 square foot executive restroom to do what I can to help with the major restroom issues we had last night."

Team officials announced this morning that the 14-foot-high tribute would be set in the middle of the intersection of Clark and Addison so passing motorists wouldn’t have to get out of their cars to take selfies near it. And if anyone questions why such an honor was being afforded Bryant, well, you know, he’s "super good," according to a Cubs spokesperson.

"I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stand for these vicious actions any longer. These barbaric tactics need to cease. Won’t you please join me in signing this petition to stop the heinous and suffocating actions of the Cubs front office?"