Cubs

The Rangers created this debacle by sending Hamilton to the airport to welcome the new Ranger. Following a brief ride back from the airport, Hamilton exited the limousine wearing a Nolan Ryan jersey, spewing line after line about "letting pitchers stay in for 150 pitches" and "giving Robin Ventura a beat down."

"I've not been with the Cubs long, but I'm well aware of how cursed this franchise has been through the years," said team president Theo Epstein. "We're all dreading the very likely possibility that Ryan will blow out his elbow in Pittsburgh this afternoon."

Ryan Dempster was thrilled to be traded to Braves Monday because being close to Tyler Perry's Atlanta studios will allow him the chance to expand upon his comedy career by auditioning for the role of "Dorky White Guy 3" in Perry's next film, "Madea Goes to Fat Camp."

"Dempster is brilliant when it comes to pitching," said Cubs President Theo Epstein, "but he really needs to work on his practical jokes. He's been dry for sometime now."

Ryan Dempster showed up to Wrigley Friday morning for his scheduled start against the Red Sox wearing a Dodgers jersey, a move he hopes will help the Cubs get the hint that he'd like to be traded to a contender immediately.

While most Cubs players took Thursday to enjoy a much-needed day off between their respective series with the Braves and Brewers, ace pitcher Ryan Dempster spent the day working toward his elusive first victory.

Ryan Dempster's glorious return from the DL ended abruptly Thursday night when the Cubs starter broke several bones in his pitching hand after attacking closer Carlos Marmol who once again blew a save for the third time in only five attempts this season.