The Cubs announced Wednesday they have booked Ryan Dempster’s Tommy John surgery for early next week, in anticipation of the season-ending injury he will most likely suffer in his start today against the Pirates after his trade to the Braves for a promising young starting pitcher fell through.

“I’ve not been with the Cubs long, but I’m well aware of how cursed this franchise has been through the years,” said team president Theo Epstein. “We’re all dreading the very likely possibility that Ryan will blow out his elbow in Pittsburgh this afternoon.”

Epstein said he feared the injury would be especially freakish.

“We’re pretty sure it won’t even happen while he’s pitching,” said Epstein. “Probably something stupid like while he’s opening a Gatorade bottle or high-fiving a teammate.”

Meanwhile, Randall Delgado — the young hurler the Cubs almost acquired from Atlanta for Dempster — has been placed as a “lock” to win at least three or four Cy Young Awards, most likely for the Cardinals who will somehow acquire him this winter for a used car and cases of Bud Light Lime.