Cubs

Ryan Dempster's impression of Will Ferrell's impression of Harry Caray has been forever enshrined in a new baseball card.

Aging prop comic Gallagher and once-funny Dane Cook have both been invited to Cubs camp in Mesa, Ariz., to vie for the role of backup comedic relief to pitcher Ryan Dempster. Staying true to the team’s new philosophy of being deep in each position, team president Theo Epstein issued personal invitations to both comics.

“Coach approached the mound, asked if I was okay and I said ‘I’m fine,’” said Dempster. “And then he goes, ‘But are you okay?’ and I’m like, ‘Aren’t they the same thing?’ He said no, which I disagree with, but I wouldn’t call it a fight.”

"Holy cow! Can you believe that?" Dempster asked in his Harry Caray voice after walking Alex Rodriguez to load the bases in the first. "Imagine if I threw that last pitch on the moon. Maybe it wouldn't have been a foot and a half out of the strike zone."

Cubs Opening Day starter Ryan Dempster had fans and coaches concerned with a putrid April performance, but the prankster has turned it around in May and is now claiming his terrible start was just another in a long series of hoaxes and practical jokes from the prankster.

Setting a new standard for prankster failures, starting pitcher Ryan Dempster decided to strip down stark naked and run around Hohokam Stadium like a coked-up perp on "Cops."

After years of intense lobbying, Ryan Dempster has finally convinced team officials to let him sing his native country's national anthem at the Cubs Convention.