In the midst of yet another tragic Spring Training for the Cubs, a new travesty befell the team and their fans. Setting a new standard for prankster failures, starting pitcher Ryan Dempster decided to strip down stark naked and run around Hohokam Stadium like a coked-up perp on “Cops.”

Security gave chase, but was no match for Dempster, who spent his off-season in Canada training for his eventual run in the Iditarod. Back in Arizona, it was evident this was just one more shenanigan Dempster tried to pull in an effort to solidify his identity as the team’s top prankster.

According to Marlon Byrd, the childish buffoonery is exhausting.

“Last week he farted on my lunch,” said Byrd. “It was revolting. He really has to knock this crap off.”

Veteran third baseman Aramis Ramirez said Dempster was universally loathed in the Cubs clubhouse.

“We get it: Ryan likes to be the big practical joker,” said Ramirez. “But does he honestly have to draw a huge penis on my glove with a Sharpie every day? He draws elaborate ones in different colored markers … now that’s just sad.”

By Andy Landgrebe. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte

Andy Landgrebe