When the Cubs traded Milton Bradley to the Mariners for Carlos Silva last year, they were so desperate to get rid of the troubled outfielder they were willing to overlook the hefty weight of the right-hander. Cubs GM Jim Hendry never thought it would become a distraction, but this Spring Training is proving him wrong.

“We were hoping Carlos would spend the off-season getting himself into better shape,” said Hendry. “But he obviously thought otherwise, spending his off-season traveling the country, visiting every restaurant featured on his favorite TV show, ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.’”

Silva’s restaurant tour no doubt had a negative effect on him, as he showed up to Spring Training 375 pounds overweight. His sheer size is now causing logistical problems that no team has ever had to deal with before in the history of Major League Baseball.

“Unfortunately, we’re forced to store Carlos in the bus cargo compartment when the team has to travel on road trips,” said an obviously perturbed Tom Ricketts, who now has to pay for another vehicle to transport the team’s equipment. “Carlos’s butt is just too big to fit into any of the seats.”

Silva’s weight has also caused numerous problems during games.

The grounds crew has been using a wheel barrow to transport him to the mound in between innings, rookies invited to camp now have the demeaning task of tying his shoes in the locker room, and Ricketts has had to hire a special “big and tall” tailor to get a uniform big enough for Carlos to play in.

“I wasn’t here at the time, but I’ve heard that Sammy Sosa required a lot to keep him prepared,” said Ricketts. “But with all the personal trainers, dieticians, locker room attendants, and extra equipment needed for Carlos everyday, I would guess it’s a lot more to get Carlos’s fat ass ready to play than it was for Sosa.”

By Michael Kloempken. Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Michael Kloempken