Cubs

Alfonso Soriano's torrid spring hit an expected dead end Tuesday morning when the aging outfielder announced he was retiring, choosing to end his career on its highest note as he's batting .571 in Cactus League play this season.

Carlos Marmol's 2012 baseball card recognizes the Cubs closer for his legendary status in at least one category.

Due to low expectations for both the Cubs and White Sox, interest in Chicago's cross-town rivalry has dwindled to mostly bleacher bums, toothless Bridgeport residents and kids under 12, but findings of a scientific study released Monday has linked a person's interest in the Cubs-Sox rivalry to low IQ.

Terrified that once-robust demand for single-game tickets has dwindled to a trickle this year, the Cubs are currently forcing random people walking by Wrigley Field to buy tickets for games this season at today's annual on-site release.

Samples of aged liquor were taken to a lab for evaluation to determine what the legend was drinking during his days in the booth. It was discovered that the liquor actually doesn't have a classification but is a hybrid of tequila, absinthe, paint thinner, and water that runs out of the park and into Clark Street.

The Detroit Tigers defeated the Chicago Cubs in seven games. The Curse of the Billy Goat was placed on the Cubs before the start of Game 4, when Cubs fan Billy Sianis was asked to leave the stadium because his pet goat's odor was offending nearby fans.

“A lot of these coaches are really opening my eyes to what they like to call ... fundamentals. Did I say it right?” said Soriano. “I have never heard that word before, and now that Theo and Dale are running the show, it’s stressed daily. It must be the next new wave of baseball thinking.”