Terrified that once-robust demand for single-game tickets has dwindled to a trickle this year, the Cubs are currently forcing random people walking by Wrigley Field to buy tickets for games this season at today’s annual on-site release.

“Hey, you,” said Chief Sales & Marketing Officer Wally Hayward, while grabbing the arm of a middle-aged woman walking down Addison on her way to the train. “Get in here and buy some god-damn tickets. We’ve got plenty of great seats for all our April and May games against teams no one cares about starting at just $45.”

Added Hayward: “I’m not taking no for an answer.”

The Cubs refused to comment on the tactic, but reportedly eased up when another commuter Hayward hassled turned out to be Todd Ricketts, a co-owner of the team and bumbling brother of Cubs chairman Tom.

“Look man, I can’t buy any tickets,” said Ricketts. “Tom took away my corporate card after I maxed it out at Chuck E. Cheese. You’re just going to have to find some other stooge to buy your stupid tickets.”

Photo by Dave W