Cubs

“Mostly, it’s the Cubs,” Pujols said. “I used to kill them. But now that I’m in the American League, it’s different. They’ve got real pitchers in this league, not the Triple A rejects they have on the Cubs. Playing against them I forgot how to hit real pitching.”

"It's pretty tough to lose Fonsie that way," said manager Dale Sveum. "It seems like this team can't catch a break, unless of course it's a broken bone or something."

After the Cubs took their second game of a three-game against the Cardinals Tuesday night, team President Theo Epstein could be seen kicking his feet up on his desk and drinking a tall Sam Adams.

“Yeah,” sighed a beleaguered Sveum. “These are good guys. But it’s been so long since they’ve come from behind and won, that half of them started to take the field again so they could blow the game."

According to Epstein, when Bowden arrived in Chicago, he learned both pitchers are six-foot-four, 220 pounds and have eerily similar throwing motions. Oddly, both answer to the name "Chris" or "Carp."

“We really make the money on the concessions. $7.50 for a beer that size. It’s a rip-off. And $5.25 for a hot dog. It’s ridiculous, but people buy them," said the team official. "Unless they don’t come to the park. So that’s why we’ve instituted the two-drink minimum. Even if you don‘t come to the game, you still have to buy concessions."

“I know the organization is rich with tradition," said Epstein. "And I know the 'W' flag flown after a victory is a welcome sight for many fans. I just don’t think we’re going to see it a lot this year. Hence, I’ve ordered that a 'WTF' flag be made so that our fans can have a banner that more adequately expresses their feelings on a day-to-day basis."