Following a lackluster start to the season, Cubs officials have instituted a new, two-drink minimum for every game ticket.

“We thought we had a perfect way to suck more money out of Cubs fans last winter when we sold all those extra season tickets,” said a high-ranking team official. “We knew the Cubs were going to stink, so we told people it was their lucky day — they could finally buy season tickets. And if they didn’t, they’d get kicked off the waiting list.”

Unfortunately, the revenue from those sales is starting to wear off, and as people don’t show up to watch the Cubs lose, concessions have suffered.

“We really make the money on the concessions. $7.50 for a beer that size. It’s a rip-off. And $5.25 for a hot dog. It’s ridiculous, but people buy them,” said the team official. “Unless they don’t come to the park. So that’s why we’ve instituted the two-drink minimum. Even if you don‘t come to the game, you still have to buy concessions. It’s only fair to the people who actually come to the park and sit through the crappy games on the field.”

“Besides, all the bars around Wrigley have minimums when they bring in bands or whatever. And some of those bands suck almost as much as the Cubs.”

The Cubs’ official, who wouldn’t give his name because he’s getting tired of being booed, said, “If this doesn’t work, next year we’re putting in a hot dog minimum, too.”

Pat Allen