After the Cubs took their second game of a three-game against the Cardinals Tuesday night, team President Theo Epstein could be seen kicking his feet up on his desk and drinking a tall Sam Adams.

“Well, I guess that’s that,” said an elated Epstein as reporters caught up him walking the Wrigley Field concourse. “We just beat the Cardinals—our most hated rival. And I might add that they are defending World Series champs. I knew I could turn this thing around. Just like in Boston. Somebody order up some chicken and beer for those boys in the clubhouse. Let’s blow this sucker up!”

When reminded by reporters that this was the team’s first series win of the season, and that the team remained six games under .500, Epstein appeared unfazed.

“Again, we just beat the Cardinals,” stated a boisterous Epstein. “And we did it while starting a 12-year-old in center field and attempting to close the game with a mental patient. ‘Nuff said. Mission Accomplished.”

Epstein then suited up in full flight gear and taxied away to O’Hare Airport, where he planed to man an F-14 Tomcat and land it on Addison Street.

Manny L. Scoreboard