Bears

In order to reduce concussions, the NFL recently moved kickoffs up to the 35-yard line, and went as far as proposing to eradicate them altogether. What other ideas have they come up with?

“The random timeouts, his inability to get plays out on the field, they all make sense now,” said QB Jay Cutler. “Coach Smith had to wait for his own personal Tyler Durden to saunter in and tell him what to do.”

“We are awarding Kristin this degree for her ability to play the faux-brainiac,” said college director Bobo the Hobo. “The depth of her make-believe knowledge is unmatched. She has pretended to read many comically oversized books.”

“No boos, only boobs,” said Trump, as the White House furiously worked to put his newly coined phrase onto 25-cent trucker hats, to sell at $40 a pop to fight the war on socialism

"What's the point of having a team participate in the draft when they have no picks until day three in 2022?" Goodell said to reporters. "What's best for the NFL is to not allow the Bears to participate, all they do anyway is devour our war room catering, bet against themselves, and ask about the eligibility of division four players who don't exist."

"Roy Williams is very, very shitty receiver," said Sato. "But when he did his Dropzilla act it reminded me of all the carnage another beastly, alligator-armed monster has wreaked our proud country and I just about lost it."

The Heckler has obtained a secret internal document from Halas Hall not only confirming the injury report was false but also a list of dozens of other injuries/maladies the Bears plan to use in future games where Trubisky struggles.