International

“We have to be more careful about which celebrity so-called ‘fans’ we let into our cheering sections,” said U.S. goalie Tim Howard. “The bandwagon is only big enough to support serious fans who want to get into soccer, our teams, and our countries. However, we must draw the line at these celebrity frontrunners.”

“This commissioner gig is pretty sweet if you can get it,” said Bettman. “I must admit, it certainly makes me chuckle thinking how mad Johnny must be, with his little serious cheeks, and that he’s too weak to summon the energy."

“We are in a peak period for the game,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “16 teams will make the playoffs, and 14 teams will miss the playoffs and that is certainly a factual statement about the NHL that cannot be disputed. Please don’t ask me to elaborate further.”

Began professional career in the Argentine basketball league in 1995 at the age of 16. Voted the league’s Best Sixth Man in 1998-99. Voted Spanish league MVP in 2004. Won Olympic gold and bronze medals with Argentina in 2004 and 2008, respectively.

It was one of the most important calls of his career, until it wasn’t.

“Give me one round with that dirty motherfucker,” McGregor said referring to the virus. “One round, that’s all I need.”

Jake Beckers loves America, baseball, hotdogs and not much else.