Thursday, October 29, 2020

Killer Klowns from Outer Space win World Series

The Killer Klowns are strangely bearded space aliens who look like circus clowns. However, they take the form of professional baseball players and are known for terrorizing Major League Baseball.

Conflicted nation can’t decide if they’d rather root against Red Sox or Cardinals

After a Shane Victorino grand slam sent the Boston Red Sox to face the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, the nation collectively breathed a frustrated sigh as they tried to determine which of the two teams they disliked the least.

Missing child found unharmed in Mike Napoli’s beard

Two weeks after Billy Frisk, an eight-year-old Massachusetts second grader, was reported missing by his family, police report that he has been found, unharmed, having gotten lost in the massive forest of facial hair hanging from the chin of Boston Red Sox first baseman, Mike Napoli.

MLB suspends Dempster five games for hitting A-Rod just once

Highly criticized by fans and local media, at least one teammate said Dempster “didn’t have the guts to plunk the S.O.B. the second time he came to the plate. “

ESPN adds new Yankees-Red Sox channel

“Once again, ESPN has broken new ground in sports programming,” said a network spokesperson. “The interest in these two teams is overwhelming among the only demographic that counts, the northeast United States.”

Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline—Uninvited and Unannounced” ballpark tour set

Fresh from an emotional appearance at Boston’s Fenway Park to perform his signature song, “Sweet Caroline,” legendary singer Neil Diamond announced he is taking his show to major and minor league ballparks throughout North America.

Red Sox GM to be tested for ‘reality-altering narcotics’ after Ortiz signing

Ortiz was being discussed as a trade option earlier this year when he went down with an Achilles strain, but this abrupt change of thinking has led to many to demand Red Sox GM Ben Cherington be tested for drugs.