Red Sox

The red-hot Dodgers and their fans are reeling today after news broke that slugger Manny Ramirez will be handed a 50-game suspension for testing positive for what insiders are calling "Crazy Juice."

“I have accomplished all I want to in this game, from winning World Series to hair growth to getting suspended for steroids,” said the slugger as he climbed on the actual Devil Ray in the Tropicana Field tank for a quick ride. “Weeeeee, riding this fish is fun!"

More than five years of attempts to preserve the endangered Nomar Garciaparra Cubs jersey have come up short, it was learned early Sunday. The last known Garciaparra No. 5 met its end when its caretaker, 31-year-old Phil Hurley of Des Plaines had much of his wardrobe set aflame by his ex-girlfriend during an epic fight that subsequently ended the couple’s relationship.

“We don’t care if the fans are behind us or not,” said DH David Ortiz. “If we suck that bad, we won’t even need Boston fans following because all the Yankee fans will start pulling for us to lose. So it’s a win-win situation no matter how bad it gets.”

“People say it eats left fielders alive,” said Soriano, still clutching the teddy bear he sleeps with each night. “Even Senior Tickles can’t protect me from the ‘Monstruo Verde.’ It’s a good thing I sleep with my helmet on or he would have eaten my cabeza.”

“It’s more likely that Aramis Ramirez will steal 10 bases this year,” said ESPN Radio’s Mike Golic. “I also think we could see Reed Johnson win the MVP award or Soriano hustle out a grounder before the Cubs and Red Sox square off for a title.”

“It’s impossible,” Scaramone said. “There’s no way we would’ve lost if Sheila had worn her rally cap like I told her to.”