Alfonso Soriano has worked hard to conquer his fear of outfield walls, but the veteran Cub recently regressed following a nightmare about a scary green monster that preys on left fielders at Fenway Park.

“People say it eats outfielders alive,” said Soriano, still clutching the teddy bear he sleeps with each night. “Even Senior Tickles can’t protect me from the ‘Monstruo Verde.’ It’s a good thing I sleep with my helmet on or he would have eaten my cabeza.”

Soriano described the monster as a muscular green beast with flowing blonde hair and fiery breath. Any time a player comes within 20 feet of the left field wall at Fenway, this foul creature “destroys them.”

“Look what happened to Manny,” Soriano said of former Red Sox LF Manny Ramirez. “He’s dead now … probably.”

The nightmares have gotten so bad doctors recommended Soriano slept in his helmet in case of violent night thrashes.

“I’m lucky they didn’t ask me to sleep with my glove,” said Soriano. “I’m not sure I could find that thing. I haven’t used it in years.”

When asked if he planned to sit out the entire Cubs-Red Sox series this weekend, Soriano shrugged.

“I could hit DH or maybe play second base again,” he said. “When I was a Yankee, they never stuck me out there near the beast. Plus, Darwin [Barney] is pretty fast, so we could put him in left and he can get away if the monster tries to attack him. I still have a ton of contract money to collect.”

Soriano then curled back up in his race car bed, opting to skip the team flight to Boston.

Written by George Ellis. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte

Heckler George