The Boston Red Sox are off to their worst start in team history after a brutal first week of baseball. There were no apologies or excuses in the locker room, but words of encouragement as a new team goal was set this week: to out-shine the Cubs as the worst team of 2011.

“We don’t care if the fans are behind us or not,” said DH David Ortiz. “If we suck that bad, we won’t even need Boston fans following because all the Yankee fans will start pulling for us to lose. So it’s a win-win situation no matter how bad it gets.”

Upon hearing the news of the Red Sox’s terrible start to 2011, feelings were mixed among Cubs players and fans because for the first time in ages, the competition to be the worst team in baseball is actually in the air and being challenged by another team.

“Really, eh? I didn’t know the Red Sox were that bad. We just figured it was us and the Pirates as usual,” said Ryan Dempster. “It’s not good news for us because that takes away media attention. Cubs’ home attendance sucks bad enough, but to lose the media? We can’t completely drop off the radar.”

Cubs manager Mike Quade reassured fans and media today that action was already in progress on preventing the Red Sox from “out-sucking” the Cubs. “No question about it, we’re going to continue to play worse. We’ve never been a team of quitters and when we set our minds to accomplish a goal, consider it done. Mark my words: we will suck worse than the Red Sox this year.”

By Morgann Spicer

Morgann Spicer