Two weeks after Billy Frisk, an eight-year-old Massachusetts second grader, was reported missing by his family, police report that he has been found, unharmed, having gotten lost in the massive forest of facial hair hanging from the chin of Boston Red Sox first baseman, Mike Napoli.

According to family members, the boy first went missing while attending a Red Sox meet-and-greet at Bob’s Discount Furniture in Dedham, Mass. Johnathan Frisk, the boy’s father, told reporters, “I remember him telling me that he wanted to touch Mike Napoli’s beard for good luck, and the next thing I heard this loud ‘slurp’ noise, and he was gone.”

A police report exoneration Napoli of any foul-play stated that the child climbed into Napoli’s mountainous beard, where he wandered for days before meeting a tribe of beard nymphs that have taken residence there since mid-September. There, he subsided on crumbs, chips, and chicken nuggets that fell into the beard during the next two weeks before he was able to finally escape when he reached Napoli’s mustache, making the 2012 All-Star sneeze.

When reached for comment, Napoli said, “I’m glad to hear that Billy is safe and back at home with his family. I would have noticed him climbing around there earlier, but I just assumed that it was my pet boa constrictor that escaped into my beard last month.”

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith