Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Chicago Bears I remember the good old days when I’d watch Cosby, Cheers & Family Ties on Thursday nights, not some second-rate game with a lisp-y announcer. Bears get the INT hat trick vs. Eli/Giants in 27-21 win.
9 – Detroit Lions Lions cream Cleveland 31-17 in a game both teams lose because they have to go back to their homes in Detroit & Cleveland (pizza sales in Detroit now cut off at 9pm). Lion LB Levy smokes some Weeden with two INTs.
8 – San Francisco 49ers 49ers smoke Cards 32-20 behind this week’s Master of Disaster Vernon Davis (180 rec. yards/2 TD). I once Kaepernicked and knocked myself out with my own bicep.
7 – Indy Colts Colts suffer 19-9 defeat to Chargers, and it looked like their hooves were covered in butter (4 crucial drops).
6 – New Orleans Saints Crescent City Crew falls from the ranks of the unbeaten, falling to Pats 30-27. Maybe get the ball more to Jimmy Graham (0 catches)?
5 – Kansas City Chiefs K.C. somehow gets away with playing 18 men on each side of the ball in cheating-ass win over Oakland. Jamal Charles scores twice in 24-7 abomination.
4 – New England Patriots No team looks prettier in the pink trimmings for breast cancer than Pats. Brady pulls a Big Papi, striking for a last-second TD in 30-27 Saint-stunning comeback.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks Smash of the Titans! ‘Hawks don’t look pretty but decision Tennessee 20-13 behind 2 Marshawn Lynch TD runs.
2 – Denver Broncos Broncos drop Jags 35-19 as Knowshon Moreno scored 3 TDs. If you replaced Peyton Manning with Eli Manning on this team I think they’d still be 6-0.
1 – Oakland Raiders Ambush in Arrowhead! I’m more offended by Chiefs than Redskins so I’m kicking them out of the AFC West and forfeiting this win to the Silver & Black. T. Pryor passes for 216 yards and winning score in 7-0 victory.
Program note – The October 20th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Mrs. Butterworth) features Marv rating the Top 10 pancake blocks of all time. Then, Chef Gordon Ramsey joins us to cook up some pancakes!!!!