Aging Angels slugger Albert Pujols has spent the quarantine going through some deep self-reflection and has come to terms with a tragic flaw: He never learned how to run.

“I missed that day in gym class,” the future Hall of Famer said. “I know how painful it is to watch me run. If people think it is painful to watch, it is even more painful to do. It’s like I hit the ball, I tell my body to start running, but then I have no idea what is about to happen.”

“He is one of the best players ever,” said Pujols’ teammate, Mike Trout. “I look up to him as a baseball player. But when he runs, I fear for him. I fear for myself. I’ve even told his children not to watch him when he runs. No child should have to watch their father do something like that.”

Pujols has brought in specialist after specialist to try to teach him how to run instead of whatever he does now. 

“I do hope to learn before I die,” said Pujols. “But I don’t know. Maybe it is just too damn hard.”