In an unprecedented trade, the hapless Cleveland Browns have swapped four first-round draft picks and “a body of water to be named later” in exchange for the second pick in this year’s NFL draft—currently held by the St. Louis Rams.
In a statement released today, Browns President Mike Holmgren, stated that his team would do anything to have a shot at drafting Robert Griffin III, who recently performed exceptionally well at the NFL combines.
“We truly believe we’re just a quarterback shy of being a playoff caliber team,” explained Holmgren. “Well, actually a quarterback, a few receivers, and a defense. But hey, we totally think that throwing away our future first round picks and a glacial wonder of the world is a justifiably smart move.”
Perhaps what makes the trade more interesting is the fact that Cleveland has promised to throw in an entire body of water. Most commentators speculate that the Browns will be moving Lake Erie, as Cleveland rests along its shores.
Rams owner Stan Kroenke expressed his concern about the vagueness of the language.
“They better not be sending us the Cuyahoga River,” said Kroenke. “I already have a septic system in my backyard. And I’ve been digging this custom pit just outside the stadium where I think the lake will fit snuggly.”
Holmgren was asked if he was legally allowed to trade the lake. He responded smugly.
“Listen, Cleveland is void of anything worth a damn anyway,” said Homgren. “After LeBron, the only thing left was the lake and since nobody comes to this hole nobody will ever see it. It will hardly be missed.”