The Blackhawks have looked painfully lost on the ice without their captain and spiritual leader Jonathan Toews the past few games. It very quickly became obvious on Sunday just how far this dependency goes when the Hawks not only missed their flight home, but went off the grid entirely after losing to Anaheim.
“Everybody calls Tazer the captain,” said travel coordinator Travis Ashley, furiously working phones in a U.C. office. “But we all know he’s also a pretty reliable team chauffeur, alarm clock, motivational speaker and secret-Santa coordinator. I wasn’t aware until now that he also works as a GPS.”
The rest of the team was last seen by an Anaheim stadium worker who pointed them in the direction of the visitors’ locker room.
“It was like three hours after the game and they were on the wrong side of the stadium,” said Jim Grigs. “Some of the guys looked like they had sharpened their sticks into spears. A few were just in their boxers with jerseys tied around their heads. I mean, if they were hungry they just coulda grabbed some stale pretzels off the racks from the concessions.”
As of press time, the last known contact from any Hawks player was a tweet from Patrick Kane that read “312445y7up,” which may have been a failed attempt to phone the Blackhawks’ front office.