Northwestern University’s annual attempt at being a successful Big Ten power in at least one athletic endeavor has once again been thwarted.

Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney announced today that for the 17th straight year, the university’s request to add “speed chemistry” to the slate of competitive conference sports has been denied.

Apparently, the incredibly nuanced sport involves being able to analyze high end chemical formulas in the shortest amount of time. Admittedly, this reporter does not understand the full details of the game, but can explain that it does involve a degree of danger in as much as a Bunsen burner, flammable gas, and spandex uniforms come into play.

Citing the logistical problems created by the addition of a new sport, Delaney explained why he and Big Ten school presidents shot down the idea.

“First off, the travel schedule would be killer,” said Delaney. “The speed chemistry season would inevitably create conflict with science fair season, which is immediately followed by the National Star Trek Convention and the World of Warcraft Festival. These kids wouldn’t give that up.”

Delaney continued, “Furthermore, I simply don’t think we have enough student athletes in the Big Ten who could succeed at such an endeavor. I mean do you really think a kid from Ohio State or Wisconsin gives a damn about chemistry? Perhaps if we had a beer pong league, we could come to some kind of compromise.”

Northwestern Athletic Director Jim Phillips accepted his annual fate, but again highlighted the merits of his cause.

“For once we would have the inside track on recruiting,” he said. “We would actually have the best facilities. For the love of God, just let us be good at some kind of sport!”

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