Ben Roethlisberger’s season is over, and according to the star QB, his fun is about to begin. Roethlisberger informed the press Sunday that his offseason goal is to pack on more pounds, but not in the way most players will.
“No, I’m not going to work out at all,” Big Ben said. “I plan on eating, sleeping, and eating. No ‘assaulting,’ no motorcycle riding, just eating ’til my last name looks smaller on my jersey.”
Roethlisberger stated his workout regime will consist of lifting beer steins and turkey legs instead of weights, and rather than daily cardio sessions, he will focus more on something he called, “A-la-carteo.”
Riddell is already hard at work creating a “triple chin” strap for Roethlisberger’s helmet, a product they’ve seldom had to distribute.
“We’ve never had one requested for a quarterback,” said a spokesman for Riddell. “Jared Lorenzen was close, but he had a surprisingly tight face, not like Ben’s, which looks like it’s slowly melting off his head.”
Ben justified his plans by admitting that he’d never really worked out in the past, either.
“I’ve been to the playoffs almost every year of my career, I’ve won two super bowls, and I’ve done that all without so much as doing a crunch,” the slovenly tosser bragged. “Unless you count Cap’n and Nestle Crunch … I’ve done a lot of those.”
Roethlisberger’s coach, Mike Tomlin, was surprisingly fine with the QB’s plans, and gave the star his blessing.
“He can do whatever the hell he wants. … and stop saying he’s out of shape,” Tomlin said. “An amorphous blob is still technically a shape.”