Government officials in Wisconsin Monday morning proudly announced their women’s shelters were “virtually empty” after the state experienced perhaps its best sports weekend of all time.

“We can’t believe it,” said Sheila Davenport, a spokeswoman for the Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence. “All weekend long we didn’t receive one call. It’s amazing.”

Violence against women in the state infamously climbs in the hours after a Packers’ loss. However, undefeated Green Bay rolled to a 49-23 win over the Broncos Sunday afternoon. Sports fans in the state were also euphoric after their seventh-ranked Badgers pummeled eighth-ranked Nebraska 48-17 and the Brewers went up 2-0 on the Diamondbacks in the NLDS.

“Normally, I can’t stand my wife, but this weekend I actually hugged the old hag once or twice,” said Phil Sonneberg of Cudahy. “I promised her if the Brewers finish off Arizona this week we’re going out to Frank’s Supper Club down the street to celebrate over a dinner much better than the crap she normally cooks.”

Meanwhile, Gov. Scott Walker used the dip in domestic violence to further advance his agenda of reducing government spending by closing all the state’s battered women’s shelters permanently.

“If our state is spending money on something it’s not using, I can’t justify the expenditures in these tough economic times,” said Walker. “And if a World Series win, BCS title and repeat Super Bowl championship is all we need to keep the women of our great state safe, then by golly let’s go out there and win those.”