Even though the Yankees clinched the AL East over the Red Sox earlier this week, Boston GM Theo Epstein has clinched the Stud GM title over Yankees GM Brian Cashman. “I get laid a lot,” Epstein recently boasted. “Way more than that putz Cashman.”

Upon taking over as Red Sox GM in 2002, Epstein is credited with making key acquisitions, including David Ortiz, Kevin Millar, and Curt Shilling, and breaking the “Curse of the Bambino” by bringing Boston its first World Series title since 1918. This, combined with Tom Brady’s monogamous relationship with supermodel Giselle Bundchen and the decline of the Kennedys has made Theo Epstein the most desirable man in Beantown, despite having been married since 2007.

In 2005, a year after the Red Sox won a World Series, Epstein resigned as GM to focus on pleasuring all the female Red Sox fans who he could not satisfy during the grueling 162-game schedule and the off-season. He returned again in 2006 and helped Boston win its second World Series in 2007. Since then, Epstein says he the volume of his sexual activity has been “off the charts” and continues to be so even though his Red Sox are clinging to a 2.5-game Wild Card lead over the Rays and Angels.

When asked about his counterpart’s sexual prowess, Epstein said Yankees GM Cashman once told him that he hasn’t been propositioned, not even by season ticket holders.

“Yankee fans are spoiled,” he said. “Four championships in five years doesn’t even get you a neck rub in that town.”