With the dramatic finish that concluded the 100th Indianapolis 500 this weekend, how could there possibly be more drama? Early this morning, it was revealed through in-car camera coverage that 23-year-old rookie runner-up J.R. Hildebrand had been texting and driving prior to wrecking his car in turn four during the final lap. The consequences of Hildebrand’s actions handed part-time IndyCar driver Dan Wheldon his second Indianapolis 500 victory.

“If I would have had a qwerty phone and not an old piece of crap, this would not have happened,” said Hildebrand. “I was so busy trying to find a damn letter I totally lost focus and put it into the wall. Who the hell spells their name with an ‘x’ anyway?”

Fans and sponsors were stunned this morning at the announcement. IndyCar officials have already reviewed current rules and regulations and will have all in-car cell phone activity banned during future races starting with the upcoming Texas race in June.

“We want to ensure that we’re taking the utmost safety precautions required and also to keep idiot drivers off the tracks,” said IndyCar president Randy Bernard. “If this means banning texting while driving, consider the rule written.”

Drivers were livid once they caught word of how Hildebrand wrecked his car on Sunday. “Hey, if the poor sap wants to put his life on the line I say let him,” said two-time Indy 500 winner Dario Franchitti. “The more cars that hit the wall, the better off I am and the greater my chance for victory becomes.”

Hidebrand filed an official motion to protest the victory this morning on grounds he didn’t know texting while driving was frowned upon during the Indianapolis 500, and he made an official motion to declare himself as the winner of the race.

By Morgann Spicer

Morgann Spicer