Chunks have been spewed at a historic rate everywhere WGN is available, a recent study indicated, with Cubs fans barfing on a nightly basis due to the team’s lackluster play.
“I knew I shouldn’t have turned the game on after eating that second slice of pizza,” said Lakeview resident Rob Roman. “I just thought with Marmol and a 2-run lead, I’d be safe. Instead, here I am, wiping pepperoni off the plasma screen again.”
Added Roman: “Third time this week.”
Spontaneous vomiting has also contributed to lower attendance at Wrigley Field, as many fans have been reluctant to venture to the ballpark out of fear of being covered with bile and regurgitated hot dogs.
“We haven’t seen this much throw-up since that story in ‘Stand By Me’ about the pie-eating contest,” said gastroenterologist Mark Williamson. “And that wasn’t even real. This is actual vomit we’re talking about. Allow me to put a finer point on it: a local baseball team is playing so poorly, it’s causing a physical reaction among anyone who watches them.”
If you too have felt the urge to puke, commemorate it with a shirt from The Heckler.