With San Francisco Giants fans openly toking in the stands of AT&T Park during the World Series and in front of television crews from across the country, and SF starting pitcher/longhaired hippie Tim Linecum saying that “It’s all in good fun,” federal law enforcement officials have decided to end the war on pot smoking.
“The cat’s out of the bag,” U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder said. “Millions of Americans saw people smoking marijuana on live TV, and it didn’t result in any property damage or violent crimes. Other than mildly irritating [Rangers slugger and killjoy] Josh Hamilton, there were neither apparent negative consequences nor any public outcry. Our efforts to demonize this innocuous drug for the past several decades seem to have been undone by a handful of baseball fans.”
As a result, Holder added that the Obama administration was legalizing marijuana for use or purchase throughout the nation, effective immediately. Californians, who were going to vote in a referendum next week to make the drug legal in their state, were elated by the announcement.
“Man, this is, like, sooooo rad,” said Dave “Nugs” Jefferson, a marijuana street dealer operating in the vicinity of AT&T Park. “I just became a Giants fan a couple of weeks ago, and I helped free the weed in America. It’s way cool to be part of something that’s bigger than just you. You feel me?”
By Brian Summerfield