"It seems like all anybody cares about is scandal and cheating," said Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. "So, we decided to invent a little drama of our own by injecting ourselves with steroids during Wednesday's press conference. Unfortunately, the needles just reminded the reporters of air pumps, and they decided to ask us how we felt about the whole 'DeflateGate' thing."
"Oh, if you thought that the deflated balls were something, you ain't seen nothing yet," an unusually eager Belichick told reporters. "Like, and I'm just spitballing here, you know how receivers wear gloves? I know the guy that supplies the gloves. I could try filling the Seahawks' gloves with nicotine patches."
"In addition to getting every call right, it will also provide much-needed stoppage time for players to rest, advertisers to advertise and fans to get snacks or use the restroom," said Goodell. "Everybody wins. Plus, we can now bill the Super Bowl as a two-day event, which is sure to excite people. If four hours of football is good, then 36 hours is better, right?"
Greerson, who also is known for going into work on Mondays saying, "Cheer up everyone, we got a whole week ahead of us!" said that he likes the Seahawks "because they won last year, and Pete Carroll seems like a guy I'd like to get a beer with," but added that "Bill Belichick is probably my favorite coach out there, and that Tom Brady sure is handsome!"
Stern closed his remarks by stating, "No matter what happens, let's just say that the fair city of Seattle might want to think twice before they issue me a parking ticket in 2005 again."
"Maybe they got caught in a traffic jam on a bridge or something," said New Jersey governor Chris Christie. "It's been known to happen from time to time."
"Maybe Netflix will release all the Super Bowls at once, including this year's," said avid House of Cards fan and casual sports watcher Mike Benson. "That would be great. I could binge them all in two days."