In the wake of the New England Patriots’ blowout victory over the Indianapolis Colts, which was marred by accusations that the Pats purposely deflated the vast majority of the game balls, Bill Belichick has announced that he’s solely focused on the February 1st Super Bowl game against the Seattle Seahawks, where he has promised to unveil a whole slew of new cheating methods that have never before even been considered to be possible by the league.
“Oh, if you thought that the deflated balls were something, you ain’t seen nothing yet,” an unusually eager Belichick told reporters. “Like, and I’m just spitballing here, you know how receivers wear gloves? I know the guy that supplies the gloves. I could try filling the Seahawks’ gloves with nicotine patches.”
Belichick added, “Or, and again, this is just off the top of my head, I think there’s a way I can put super glue in the Russell Wilson’s helmet. He probably won’t play as well if he has to keep his helmet on forever, right?”
When asked how he felt his team would fair in the Super Bowl after losses in their last two trips, Belichick confidently stated, “Oh, we’ll definitely win. I’m much better at cheating now than I was in 2012. Much better.”