Former Cub bust and arguably the worst thing to happen to the Cubs since Steve Bartman’s fandom, Corey Patterson continued his striking out tendencies last week during his one-week honeymoon in the Bahamas where he fanned five times in five at-bats.

“I just couldn’t get any good wood on the ball,” lamented Patterson. “Any wood at all for that matter.”

Patterson, who struck out at such an unprecedented rate that had not been reciprocated since the White Sox plucked Adam Dunn out of his ranch, looked dazed and confused all week.

“It’s a confidence issue,” admitted the ex-outfielder. “I’m just in a bad slump right now and I just can’t seem to find any holes at all.”

Corey’s wife shares his frustrations during the slump.

“You know, right now, Corey just needs to stop swinging for the fences all of the time, and maybe focus a little more on just getting to first base,” said Mrs. Patterson, who just signed Corey to a 70-year contract give or take, worth -$1.2 million for him in the long run.

“Once he starts consistently reaching first base, then maybe he can start stretching it out for a double, and maybe hustle it out for a head first slide into third base.”

Perhaps, as one Chicago reporter suggested, a little lesson in bat corking from a shockingly pale Sammy Sosa could help turn things around for Patterson.

“I have to ask my doctor first if corking is right for me,” said Patterson.

The 35-year-old’s contract begins after the noon checkout from the local Marriott Hotel. He is under a no-trade clause.

Shingo TaCatsu