Tampa Bay

Cubs GM Jim Hendry signed Tampa Bay Rays first baseman Carlos Pena to a one-year $10 million contract despite his .196 batting average last season, which is equal to the blood-alcohol level reached by you and your friends after a fun night of drinking this summer.

The Cubs made their first noteworthy signing Tuesday night by inking Rays free agent 1B Carlos Pena to a one-year, $10 million deal. However, GM Jim Hendry quickly regretted the deal after being reminded Pena's .196 batting average last year was terrible.

Many fans are railing on the Cubs for spending $10 million on a one-year contract for .196-hitting Carlos Pena, but the acquisition raises the team batting average five points from last season.

After signing their lucrative off-season contracts this week, new Chicago acquisitions Carlos Pena of the Cubs and Adam Dunn of the White Sox have come together on a friendly wager to celebrate their new city.

The main off-season priority for the Cubs was to shed several albatross contracts and pave the way for highly touted young prospects to come up to the big league squad in 2011. GM Jim Hendry changed directions Friday, trading his entire minor league system for Tampa Rays right-hander Matt Garza, who has a career 42-44 record.

“I have accomplished all I want to in this game, from winning World Series to hair growth to getting suspended for steroids,” said the slugger as he climbed on the actual Devil Ray in the Tropicana Field tank for a quick ride. “Weeeeee, riding this fish is fun!"

"I could just cheer for the Sox to win out against the Orioles, but they took three of four from us at home just last week" said Branham, whose Red Sox have won only six of 24 games this month. "No chance we sweep 'em."