Cubs GM Jim Hendry signed Tampa Bay Rays first baseman Carlos Pena to a one-year $10 million contract despite his .196 batting average last season, which is equal to the blood-alcohol level reached by you and your friends after a fun night of drinking this summer.

“There are no more quality first baseman available on the free agent market,” said Hendry. “So we went with the next best thing: A guy who’s stats remind fans of that time last July when they had four Alabama Slammers and passed out on their cousin Nick’s hammock out in Naperville.”

Hendry said he also considered signing Adam LaRoche, whose .261 batting average in 2010 makes fans recall the targeted weight loss of their favorite “Biggest Loser” cast member, which according to Hendry isn’t nearly as fun as bringing back memories of binge drinking.

“We’d much rather make our fans think of getting good and drunk,” said Hendry. “After all, associating the Cubs brand with anything that contains the word “loser” hasn’t done so well for us the last 102 years.”