“I’m just scared out of my mind," said Suh. "I mean this is the guy who stalked Lisa Turtle, helped Jesse Spano score caffeine pills so she could lose weight...or ace a test I think. He played bass in Zack Attack and he even got fake ID’s and a mustache so he could meet college girls. I mean this maniac could be anywhere right now.”
"A win is a win," he said. "We're in first place in the NFC North right now, and I think we can take on anybody! Sure, we almost lost to a rookie quarterback, but we didn't! That's all that matters. Um. Remember how bad we beat the Bears two weeks ago?"
Gamers everywhere are rejoicing after a new glitch was recently uncovered in Madden 15 that enables the Bears to finally beat the Packers by simply entering a few cheat codes and mid-season coaching changes.
"Once again, the Bears completely fell apart against Green Bay, and I frankly wouldn't be surprised if we saw a super-race of cheesehead-wearing, flesh-eating zombies take over the entire Midwest," said Chicagosports.com's Steve Rosenbloom. "Sure, the team is 2-2, but Jay Cutler has almost certainly ushered in the era of disease, mayhem and destruction."
"Back up there in Wisconsin, every other car has a 10-point buck on the roof," said Wartonson. "Or at least a doe and a couple of foxes or something. What the hell do people in Chicago do from Monday to Saturday?"
Fearful of any possible backlash of boorish booing from the local cheeseheads, Favre's special night will be held where he had so many special nights, Soldier Field.
"It's not like he took a poop in my cheese curds or something."